few lines of broken thoughts

Life is supposed to be good.
Or does it really? I get doubtful every now and then. I remember when I was this young kid....still virgin to the board exams, I used to think one such exam would make me old enough or grown up enough to do stuff like renting a truck and bringing some stuff from ranaghat back to my hometown. For the over-curious ones, the history behind that statement is not important, the important part is that, it never happened. Even after 11 goddam years. After sufficient soul searching (believe me when i say sufficient!) I concluded that it is not about age or time after all. To some extent it is about experience, and to some extent it is about necessity. But I guess, most of the people already knows this.

Now one would wonder why today has this freak again started to break the peace in blogspace...Well..what can one say except that there are so many things, some of them one can share with the world, some of them are to remain buried. Most of those things has the same old adjectives tho! Love, beauty, elegance, confusion, indecision and suffering. Not related but in a weird way related too.

Today was a company picnic day. Dumb one. Ate worst chicken nuggets of my life, and the veg food menu was not sufficient to justify a 70 mile travel. But the ambiance, the people (err..) and the sun..it was not that bad a day after all. And there was beauty. Green one! It's already 2:28 the next day and I guess I should sleep rather than typing nonsense. But one thing shall remain in my mind, even after all these years....the thing that haunts and will haunt..I am unable to talk..as in make a proper conversation when it matters. :|

Now where did I start? Oh yes, growing up...like my favourite lines, growing up happens in a heartbeat, one day you are in diapers and the next day you are gone. But the memories stay, if it's worth staying though. :|
Slowly I am losing one by one...personal life is a mess, and all the people I ever thought of caring about, are finding people to care about themselves. :P
Tragically funny.
What would I do going back?
What am i doing here?
Oh I know..I am typing to glory.
Need to get my sleep.
Sunday mornings..love them. :|

found and lost

Once upon a time, I used to think that I could pen things down, thoughts deep down that cannot be expressed to people. Thoughts that has no meaning. Thoughts that can only exist in a mind lost beyond comprehension and cherishing it.

Sometimes I feel like writing a few lines in this space..But then I read all the nicer creations all around and it makes me feel the need to avoid writing.

I was not this peculiar person always, or well, may be I was odd a little. But not a maniac for being lost, if i make any sense with that sentence. To any practical person, I cannot possibly be someone who is struggling. No one can even imagine what I feel like or how. And at 27, I feel like I have succeeded in one thing, hiding myself. The only real achievement. No one knows me. And also, none have any reason for that either! :D

The world is so over crowded with people, that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. And the next moment loneliness creeps in. When you know you are alone even while pandal hopping with 10000 people in your city, then you have grown up, or have started getting old...pick one!

It's been long I could sum up courage enough to write down some garbage again! Even blogs need to be fed, that's what I felt. It's been a habit for me to start writing when I don't have much to say and keep from it when I feel like sharing. Good in a way..helps to forget things. Helps, really...

Been an interesting year so far. Away from home, an experience I never thought I can have. And though I am not sure I like it much (being a naturally lazy person!) , I don 't feel that bad, as it creates an illusion, gives a fake purpose, enriches eyes and also passes time. I used to think, how can one wait for so long for....now I know....I also need to wait. Though it's not the best of feelings and it just might break the rest of me in doing so....since time doesn't wait for anyone...but I must wait. I have got nothing better to do at this juncture of my life.

p.s.: please don't mind the poor language. I am loosing it, and this is just a small example of the same. I will perhaps pen down a few more times before..

about nothing

Here I go again. For nothing.

This post officially has no meaning, purpose or reason to it. But no, wait, I do have a reason, I want to pass time and not by trying desperately to prove to myself that I am busy doing something important which is hardly ever the case. There are things, about me, my choices and my self, as in persona that is hardly known to most. The few who does know are either too close or too far away for myself to be uncomfortable about it! Secrets? One can say that, but are not so real or active things for them to be honored with that designation.

Now that I have raised a few eyebrows, let me change the topic. When I left the city most of us love for no good reason, I brought with myself 2 things. One, is a couple of books (I am yet to read any), and 'chhatu' (70% of it is still to be having the trip to my stomach)! Why am I mentioning that here? Because it's almost time. To go back to a place, close to home (not home exactly for me..he he). And among those 2 things, i have hardly utilized any! So much for my well thought out plans! This was a very small but significant example of how messy things have become these days.Growing up they say, but as old as I am now, I am not supposed to be growing up once more all over again. We all want to remain in our cages. But we do have to...to go out. To try to live. In spite of the fact that we do or do not like the cage.

Trying, may not be with my best due to lack of interest and curiosity. But as a struggle, to survive.

random keyboard strokes

(Coherence is not to be expected from this post as I am far from being one at this present time and I am out of practise as well.)

There is one thing that always gets me, that is the question: "Why". I guess everyone has their share of this question in a lifetime. Honestly speaking I am neither old or wise enough to contemplate on spirituality. But I guess for this question, age or experience is no bar. I remember asking my mother, why do I have to study? Why can't I just only read story books and comics! (I was 9-10 years old then, don't frown at comics :|). But I guess the answer was difficult for her as predicting future is not one of the gifts that we humans have. Or else she could have told me that if you have to see New York for free, then shut up and read those books that the west Bengal board is throwing at you! A very dumb and materialistic reason for such a sacrifice I admit. But, what the hell..I am glad to be here.

Now that I have this (mis)conception for myself to think over. Back then I would have jumped with joy at the prospect of savouring the beauty of the Big Apple twice from the Empire state building. Hell I even had a plan to jump from it without parachute to test how long does it take to come down and to check If I would feel anything! (pardon my frustrated self). But I guess I am not 10 anymore. Demands and expectations of life is something that is very confusing at times. I am not exactly happy. I tell you.

Why?

The same question haunting me.over and over again. Why o why do I love or hate this place. No reason except the fact that I am so far away from home. But then again I don't visit home that frequently either. Then? It would sound very stupid if I say that I am worried because I will turn thirty soon! But heck, that's good 3 year and 2 months away! Then? The answer to this question is the thing that scares me the most. "I don't know". Sometimes I feel that I am okay, happy. This is all that I wanted. But sometimes i feel numb. sad. I guess I am mentally challenged.

Purpose. Can someone guide me so I know what am I supposed to do? I know I am old enough to know all this. To know where I am headed. Actually, I know that. But what I don't know is if that is what I want. If not, then what exactly do I want.

I am certain this is going to have some kind of award for being the most confusing post of today.

I even forgot the reason I wanted to write it in the first place. With so many random things to distract one from the reality that his mind wants to believe in. It's not very easy to concentrate.

I thought once, that I need to get away. From a place that I know. Now, after good 4 months. I am exactly where I was, distance has hardly helped me to forget reality. I guess time never stops for anyone. But.....nah,,I could go on forever. For now I should stop. I think way too much for penning down my true thoughts. They get curbed that way. What a pity.

(ah..please don't judge me or my understanding from this post. It's not even what I wanted to write. It just is.)

A new year, another new year. With only one difference. I thought I can manage it. Manage being so many thousand miles away from home. Convinced myself that 400 is as much as a few thousand. but its not. One always has to pay the price for his decisions. As for me, I like to live in a make believe world. So much so that I almost don't remember anything, all the details of my day to day life. i chose to forget. Initially it was tough. But i guess I have always been good at forgetting things. It helped.

The question is why am I here? Why do I have to tolerate what I am not sure I actually hate. I am here because I needed to. Because I had no other choice but to escape from myself. And to try to be better. Not sure how though. And yes, to break some myths that I have, about life. 

Do I sound confused? you bet i am. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.

p.s. Please ignore the number of I's in the last few sentences. How can I help it? I am becoming self-obsessed! (there goes another two..sigh.. :|)