Thursday, December 25, 2008

poor man's prose

For someone so conscious about himself being ordinary, i found out myself being extra-ordinary at that!! How? well...who cares! this is not a diary is it?
Wanted to write so many things, thought I would pour my heart out. But the I guess having a real bad writer's block. Or may be the day to night conversion is killing me. I never knew people can be so irritatingly polite! Incoherrent un-related comments leads to what conclusion? Madness? May be the awe, the work or simply the cold!!
For the first time in my life ice surrounds me. As it is ruining my 2.5K shoe, i can only curse my judgemnt on leather for this though! :
Scrible scribble, its almost dinner time and the menu being maggi and chirebhaja! Bow to you O Lazy fellow! good night.

Friday, August 29, 2008


What do you do when practically everything around you seems to fall apart, but in a strangers eyes all is better than well? You soul search for the reason and you yourself can't come up with anything substantial enough to work on. Tiny bits and pieces scattered, that together make you miserable. May be that is a part of growing up.
There was an episode in the popular sitcom 'Friends', where everybody all 6 of them is scared for turning 30. I was 22 then. And I was laughing. I don't do it now. Even though it’s a good few years away still. The other day a very good friend of mine asked me a question, a tough one. She asked me what I have accomplished in the past 3 years of my working life. I had no answer. I did nothing. Just worked. Made a few friends, lived in a cheap crabby rented room. Saw a hundred movies or so on my old 14inch monitor. And that’s about it. I guess I am too lazy (or scared?) to ultimately do anything about this divine realization, but well, is it a sign that I am lost?

Just today found out that a good friend of mine is getting married. I should be happy right? I am trying to. But I am not. Do I have a crush on her? Yes. Am I good enough? No. Then what’s the problem? I don't know. That’s why I am confused. Rather that is, these are, a very few of the many reasons I feel lost.

After my boat sank, It had been a tough ride the last 7 months or so. Though, I hate to admit that. I disguised it well enough from myself even. Sometimes when I am alone, life reminds me that it is there, inside me, haunting me.

Why am I scribbling about these? Because these are things I am incapable of sharing with any person I know. That is my limitation and another reason as well! Of? Of the breaking of the broken heart.

Need to leave this place. Need to get away from it all. Need to avoid thoughts.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Wish life was simpler.

In a breakthrough empty thought process, I found out that each time I drink, be it in pleasure or pain, I end up doing/saying something so stupid on the phone to people I care for that makes me suffer all the time. Thus each time hurting them and in turn myself. It's been 2 years and I have still not learned the simplest thing, to switch the freaking mobile off once I reach my place after the enjoying (?) alcoholic beverages.
I am a very emotional creature, but those emotions lay deep within my conscious self. That is, I try to keep them buried there so that they don't cause any harm to the surroundings.
But somehow alcohol, however small in quantity has this uncanny capacity to bring out in a few minutes what took me all my adulthood to suppress (I am not talking of desires perverts. :P).
I almost lost and have lost so many things in my few years of existence due to this stuff, that people can call me a drunkard unless they know me better.
Made my life's most grave mistakes when I drunk. And surprisingly, it did not take me more than drinking once in a month to achieve all that!
I have shamed myself to a dear friend of mine whom I care deeply for, to have said some things I probably never should have. A promise to myself, I will try to keep my cell switched off after any such future events to minimize my stupidity.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Missing home

This is very personal, no offense meant to the fellow sufferers.

I miss my home. So what? Everybody who stays away from home does. But the thing is, none of them is me! Human beings are always more or less self-centered (its only the survival instinct i guess) and so am I. I feel a huge void while I think of home. It's been 8 long years since I left. In search of quality education and a job that can make me stand on my own legs (as if I had borrowed ones before!) and to have a ground for myself (I am yet to reach that goal!). Never understood what it actually meant, those words..I just knew that I had to earn a living for myself in the least. Mostly not because I had to, but because I wanted to. People frown at me saying 'you don't have Any ambition as such. Don't you have any longing for going above and beyond? Don't you want to break free? Why are you so quiet and lazy?' (not out loud though, but one can feel). Very just questions and I myself sometimes wonder if I should doubt my intentions!But no, the better part of me prevails always. I am lazy, yes. Because I know, or rather believe, If I venture out, I will never come back-- nobody has yet. The place I call home, where I grew up, is becoming less appealing with time even now. The more I move up the ladder, the distance will get wider. Call me coward, but I don't want to forget my roots, don't want to forget my city, I don't want to forget my room I loved so much. More importantly, I don't want to make my parents feel that I might never come back. Though I know better. I already feel that probably I will never be able to live in a small town anymore after all, since staying here, in the many rented houses of this 'big' city. I just don't want to go further away. What have I got to prove? Well, for starters, a lot. I got to prove to myself that I can. I did it to some extent, did I?

I am not so sure. I am never sure. :

Getting away from all the intricacies, all I know is that I miss the place where I grew up. I miss the smell, the air, trees, the roads, the sun (trust me, its different), the traffic jams in level crossing, the very frequent yet memorable visits to the desolate places nearby. I miss the addas with my parents which would always end up with us three quarreling and laughing at the same time. I miss the aura of 'kalbaishakhi' in April, I miss the winter chill, I miss the summer loos and loadsheddings, I miss my books, I miss TV!! I miss my parents soo much, I miss my room. In short, I miss it all. It makes me feel all too lonely. I feel like crying almost, knowing that I miss it so much perhaps because I know I will never go back. I never can go back. I already have left for good. I already am alone, vagabond, forever.

I miss it all so much. :-(

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Life, in the eyes of a stunned young man who doesn't know how to swim.

Cruising along the riverbank, I found a boat. Felt it is good enough for me to sail through life. But when I just reached the distance, from where returning would be a fool's dream, found out that the boat has a leak. Water was pouring everywhere; I tried to put my hand to block it, failed. Force of water was too strong. It always is. Or may be I didn't try hard enough. Had nothing in the boat to fix the damage caused. We drowned.
Was it my fault to dream that I can make this long and treacherous journey on the small boat? I saw people do the same in even smaller ones. Or was it by luck? Or was the boat not the right one to carry me through? It’s so unfair. May be It was my flaw, my eyes were so blind with happiness, that I didn’t bother to check. After all I am the sailor. I should have checked it. Or did I? I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter now anyway.
Now, here I am, waiting for a miracle that will never come, deep underneath the ocean of my mind. Sitting and watching and waiting.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

searching for myself

Search for myself has brought me to this place. I wouldn't know of this except for; from a few of my crazy friends. I call them crazy because I do not know of any other words to describe them (thanks to my poor vocabulary). I don't know if I will stay or just leave. I just know that I am in desperate need to find myself.
I hope this can be my place. My nest.