Sunday, March 30, 2008

Missing home

This is very personal, no offense meant to the fellow sufferers.

I miss my home. So what? Everybody who stays away from home does. But the thing is, none of them is me! Human beings are always more or less self-centered (its only the survival instinct i guess) and so am I. I feel a huge void while I think of home. It's been 8 long years since I left. In search of quality education and a job that can make me stand on my own legs (as if I had borrowed ones before!) and to have a ground for myself (I am yet to reach that goal!). Never understood what it actually meant, those words..I just knew that I had to earn a living for myself in the least. Mostly not because I had to, but because I wanted to. People frown at me saying 'you don't have Any ambition as such. Don't you have any longing for going above and beyond? Don't you want to break free? Why are you so quiet and lazy?' (not out loud though, but one can feel). Very just questions and I myself sometimes wonder if I should doubt my intentions!But no, the better part of me prevails always. I am lazy, yes. Because I know, or rather believe, If I venture out, I will never come back-- nobody has yet. The place I call home, where I grew up, is becoming less appealing with time even now. The more I move up the ladder, the distance will get wider. Call me coward, but I don't want to forget my roots, don't want to forget my city, I don't want to forget my room I loved so much. More importantly, I don't want to make my parents feel that I might never come back. Though I know better. I already feel that probably I will never be able to live in a small town anymore after all, since staying here, in the many rented houses of this 'big' city. I just don't want to go further away. What have I got to prove? Well, for starters, a lot. I got to prove to myself that I can. I did it to some extent, did I?

I am not so sure. I am never sure. :

Getting away from all the intricacies, all I know is that I miss the place where I grew up. I miss the smell, the air, trees, the roads, the sun (trust me, its different), the traffic jams in level crossing, the very frequent yet memorable visits to the desolate places nearby. I miss the addas with my parents which would always end up with us three quarreling and laughing at the same time. I miss the aura of 'kalbaishakhi' in April, I miss the winter chill, I miss the summer loos and loadsheddings, I miss my books, I miss TV!! I miss my parents soo much, I miss my room. In short, I miss it all. It makes me feel all too lonely. I feel like crying almost, knowing that I miss it so much perhaps because I know I will never go back. I never can go back. I already have left for good. I already am alone, vagabond, forever.

I miss it all so much. :-(