What do you do when practically everything around you seems to fall apart, but in a strangers eyes all is better than well? You soul search for the reason and you yourself can't come up with anything substantial enough to work on. Tiny bits and pieces scattered, that together make you miserable. May be that is a part of growing up.
There was an episode in the popular sitcom 'Friends', where everybody all 6 of them is scared for turning 30. I was 22 then. And I was laughing. I don't do it now. Even though it’s a good few years away still. The other day a very good friend of mine asked me a question, a tough one. She asked me what I have accomplished in the past 3 years of my working life. I had no answer. I did nothing. Just worked. Made a few friends, lived in a cheap crabby rented room. Saw a hundred movies or so on my old 14inch monitor. And that’s about it. I guess I am too lazy (or scared?) to ultimately do anything about this divine realization, but well, is it a sign that I am lost?
Just today found out that a good friend of mine is getting married. I should be happy right? I am trying to. But I am not. Do I have a crush on her? Yes. Am I good enough? No. Then what’s the problem? I don't know. That’s why I am confused. Rather that is, these are, a very few of the many reasons I feel lost.
After my boat sank, It had been a tough ride the last 7 months or so. Though, I hate to admit that. I disguised it well enough from myself even. Sometimes when I am alone, life reminds me that it is there, inside me, haunting me.
Why am I scribbling about these? Because these are things I am incapable of sharing with any person I know. That is my limitation and another reason as well! Of? Of the breaking of the broken heart.
Need to leave this place. Need to get away from it all. Need to avoid thoughts.