about nothing

Here I go again. For nothing.

This post officially has no meaning, purpose or reason to it. But no, wait, I do have a reason, I want to pass time and not by trying desperately to prove to myself that I am busy doing something important which is hardly ever the case. There are things, about me, my choices and my self, as in persona that is hardly known to most. The few who does know are either too close or too far away for myself to be uncomfortable about it! Secrets? One can say that, but are not so real or active things for them to be honored with that designation.

Now that I have raised a few eyebrows, let me change the topic. When I left the city most of us love for no good reason, I brought with myself 2 things. One, is a couple of books (I am yet to read any), and 'chhatu' (70% of it is still to be having the trip to my stomach)! Why am I mentioning that here? Because it's almost time. To go back to a place, close to home (not home exactly for me..he he). And among those 2 things, i have hardly utilized any! So much for my well thought out plans! This was a very small but significant example of how messy things have become these days.Growing up they say, but as old as I am now, I am not supposed to be growing up once more all over again. We all want to remain in our cages. But we do have to...to go out. To try to live. In spite of the fact that we do or do not like the cage.

Trying, may not be with my best due to lack of interest and curiosity. But as a struggle, to survive.

random keyboard strokes

(Coherence is not to be expected from this post as I am far from being one at this present time and I am out of practise as well.)

There is one thing that always gets me, that is the question: "Why". I guess everyone has their share of this question in a lifetime. Honestly speaking I am neither old or wise enough to contemplate on spirituality. But I guess for this question, age or experience is no bar. I remember asking my mother, why do I have to study? Why can't I just only read story books and comics! (I was 9-10 years old then, don't frown at comics :|). But I guess the answer was difficult for her as predicting future is not one of the gifts that we humans have. Or else she could have told me that if you have to see New York for free, then shut up and read those books that the west Bengal board is throwing at you! A very dumb and materialistic reason for such a sacrifice I admit. But, what the hell..I am glad to be here.

Now that I have this (mis)conception for myself to think over. Back then I would have jumped with joy at the prospect of savouring the beauty of the Big Apple twice from the Empire state building. Hell I even had a plan to jump from it without parachute to test how long does it take to come down and to check If I would feel anything! (pardon my frustrated self). But I guess I am not 10 anymore. Demands and expectations of life is something that is very confusing at times. I am not exactly happy. I tell you.

Why?

The same question haunting me.over and over again. Why o why do I love or hate this place. No reason except the fact that I am so far away from home. But then again I don't visit home that frequently either. Then? It would sound very stupid if I say that I am worried because I will turn thirty soon! But heck, that's good 3 year and 2 months away! Then? The answer to this question is the thing that scares me the most. "I don't know". Sometimes I feel that I am okay, happy. This is all that I wanted. But sometimes i feel numb. sad. I guess I am mentally challenged.

Purpose. Can someone guide me so I know what am I supposed to do? I know I am old enough to know all this. To know where I am headed. Actually, I know that. But what I don't know is if that is what I want. If not, then what exactly do I want.

I am certain this is going to have some kind of award for being the most confusing post of today.

I even forgot the reason I wanted to write it in the first place. With so many random things to distract one from the reality that his mind wants to believe in. It's not very easy to concentrate.

I thought once, that I need to get away. From a place that I know. Now, after good 4 months. I am exactly where I was, distance has hardly helped me to forget reality. I guess time never stops for anyone. But.....nah,,I could go on forever. For now I should stop. I think way too much for penning down my true thoughts. They get curbed that way. What a pity.

(ah..please don't judge me or my understanding from this post. It's not even what I wanted to write. It just is.)