Missing home

This is very personal, no offense meant to the fellow sufferers.

I miss my home. So what? Everybody who stays away from home does. But the thing is, none of them is me! Human beings are always more or less self-centered (its only the survival instinct i guess) and so am I. I feel a huge void while I think of home. It's been 8 long years since I left. In search of quality education and a job that can make me stand on my own legs (as if I had borrowed ones before!) and to have a ground for myself (I am yet to reach that goal!). Never understood what it actually meant, those words..I just knew that I had to earn a living for myself in the least. Mostly not because I had to, but because I wanted to. People frown at me saying 'you don't have Any ambition as such. Don't you have any longing for going above and beyond? Don't you want to break free? Why are you so quiet and lazy?' (not out loud though, but one can feel). Very just questions and I myself sometimes wonder if I should doubt my intentions!But no, the better part of me prevails always. I am lazy, yes. Because I know, or rather believe, If I venture out, I will never come back-- nobody has yet. The place I call home, where I grew up, is becoming less appealing with time even now. The more I move up the ladder, the distance will get wider. Call me coward, but I don't want to forget my roots, don't want to forget my city, I don't want to forget my room I loved so much. More importantly, I don't want to make my parents feel that I might never come back. Though I know better. I already feel that probably I will never be able to live in a small town anymore after all, since staying here, in the many rented houses of this 'big' city. I just don't want to go further away. What have I got to prove? Well, for starters, a lot. I got to prove to myself that I can. I did it to some extent, did I?

I am not so sure. I am never sure. :

Getting away from all the intricacies, all I know is that I miss the place where I grew up. I miss the smell, the air, trees, the roads, the sun (trust me, its different), the traffic jams in level crossing, the very frequent yet memorable visits to the desolate places nearby. I miss the addas with my parents which would always end up with us three quarreling and laughing at the same time. I miss the aura of 'kalbaishakhi' in April, I miss the winter chill, I miss the summer loos and loadsheddings, I miss my books, I miss TV!! I miss my parents soo much, I miss my room. In short, I miss it all. It makes me feel all too lonely. I feel like crying almost, knowing that I miss it so much perhaps because I know I will never go back. I never can go back. I already have left for good. I already am alone, vagabond, forever.

I miss it all so much. :-(

Life, in the eyes of a stunned young man who doesn't know how to swim.

Cruising along the riverbank, I found a boat. Felt it is good enough for me to sail through life. But when I just reached the distance, from where returning would be a fool's dream, found out that the boat has a leak. Water was pouring everywhere; I tried to put my hand to block it, failed. Force of water was too strong. It always is. Or may be I didn't try hard enough. Had nothing in the boat to fix the damage caused. We drowned.
Was it my fault to dream that I can make this long and treacherous journey on the small boat? I saw people do the same in even smaller ones. Or was it by luck? Or was the boat not the right one to carry me through? It’s so unfair. May be It was my flaw, my eyes were so blind with happiness, that I didn’t bother to check. After all I am the sailor. I should have checked it. Or did I? I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter now anyway.
Now, here I am, waiting for a miracle that will never come, deep underneath the ocean of my mind. Sitting and watching and waiting.

searching for myself

Search for myself has brought me to this place. I wouldn't know of this except for; from a few of my crazy friends. I call them crazy because I do not know of any other words to describe them (thanks to my poor vocabulary). I don't know if I will stay or just leave. I just know that I am in desperate need to find myself.
I hope this can be my place. My nest.