Random musings from a bus

While going to office, looking at the guys and girls in formal attire with the shackle of a IT tag, sometimes it seems the entire generation is now a slave to the comfort of air condition and a false sense of affordability. Give us time I will give you money, the few intelligent businessman promised the masses when computers arrived. And then kept their promise.
But was the price fair?
What about science, culture, creativity? The only creativity these days is how many dollars you can show you saved for your almighty client by creating something special!
As I write this piece while riding to one such so called multi nationals, keeping my tag away just a tad bit till I get off the bus ( some precious minutes of elusive freedom), I wonder if the trade was a fair one. We robbed the priceless gift of time from multiple generations entirely by giving a sense of promise. Promise of affluence. What would one do with affluence if it rots by itself waiting for time?
Time the most precious commodity human kind knows till date. Only but its not a commodity because we can only measure it but cannot modify or make or earn.
The weekend culture used to be a thing of the great West. These days, while walking by the streets of the city I live in now, weekend is life for the 20 and 30 something. I have no clue about the 40 something and beyond. May be they are the only generation left with life? I mean life beyond the miserly 21% we have.
They promised software industry will never have political influence, unions, strikes. They kept that promise so far too. But they forgot to mention its not a magical place. They forgot to mention that the workers will be merely human. Not godly creatures!
Someone special calls me bilapix sometimes. An ode to the great Asterix series and the Bengali word. This was one such. Some do break this shackle for a life beyond. The uncertain wilderness.
I wish there was some businessman luring us to that too. Because clearly, without influence, we don't seem to be able to think  by and for ourselves.

This and that

It's been a long long while I logged on to this blog. To be precise, it's been almost 5 years. Sometimes I think I almost forgot it existed. Like the demise of orkut, some part of my subconscious mind assumed this blog doesn't exist. why? Now that is a question I would love to know the answer of.

There has been times I wanted to write something, somewhere. Keeping journals is a habit I have lost  too around the same time. Again, the reason is mostly unknown to myself.

People who know me in real life they would probably say it's expected of me because I fiercely guard my personal life from any intrusion. Probably because I value it too much not to share with everybody or just because my life it's so damn boring that I prefer keeping most of it private. But this theory doesn't really hold true because I know it for a fact that at the same time my life started getting somewhat exciting, I stopped writing. Oh, even more shockingly, I stopped reading as well! Though this I did try to correct rather more often than once in five years such as this post.

If you are still reading this after the above musings, I must caution you on similar senseless rambling throughout. Today I am in the mood to break this jinx. New year resolution? Perhaps. I just want to break this habit of avoiding something I used to like. And possibly open an outlet.

At a point I thought let's treat this blog as a journal and type away to glory all my life's events in one single post. But then I thought it might take about a week just to sum it up and I am not sure if blogger has any word limit! So, I would rather take a more indirect approach.

For a long time I realized that I feel like writing, either when I am super happy or when I am kind of sad. On a regular day, it never occurs to my mind that I should pen my thoughts to bore anyone to death.

So many things have changed. Life as I knew it is no more. And again, there are things that has not changed at all.But we all know that, everyone goes through such an experience at some point. I came back to India about a year now and the western part of the country isn't all that bad so far in my experience. But I have noticed I don't live like I used to anymore no matter where I stay. I will probably try to figure out why, for next year or so.

I will try to be more regular here to write more nonsense, mostly because it felt nice to read what I had to say or how I used to think 5 years ago. It's like a time machine that I can create for myself to go back to a different time. Probably better times (but then again, who knows?).

Too many transitions in my life in recent times taught me how to let go and how to hold on. But there is so much more I need to figure out, so many places to visit, so many things to do, it overwhelms me.

For everyone who still roams around random blogs in this age of twitter, snapchat, instagram and whatsapp, I wish a very happy new year. May this year bring all the joy and happiness we all deserve.

Till next time. Cheers.

few lines of broken thoughts

Life is supposed to be good.
Or does it really? I get doubtful every now and then. I remember when I was this young kid....still virgin to the board exams, I used to think one such exam would make me old enough or grown up enough to do stuff like renting a truck and bringing some stuff from ranaghat back to my hometown. For the over-curious ones, the history behind that statement is not important, the important part is that, it never happened. Even after 11 goddam years. After sufficient soul searching (believe me when i say sufficient!) I concluded that it is not about age or time after all. To some extent it is about experience, and to some extent it is about necessity. But I guess, most of the people already knows this.

Now one would wonder why today has this freak again started to break the peace in blogspace...Well..what can one say except that there are so many things, some of them one can share with the world, some of them are to remain buried. Most of those things has the same old adjectives tho! Love, beauty, elegance, confusion, indecision and suffering. Not related but in a weird way related too.

Today was a company picnic day. Dumb one. Ate worst chicken nuggets of my life, and the veg food menu was not sufficient to justify a 70 mile travel. But the ambiance, the people (err..) and the sun..it was not that bad a day after all. And there was beauty. Green one! It's already 2:28 the next day and I guess I should sleep rather than typing nonsense. But one thing shall remain in my mind, even after all these years....the thing that haunts and will haunt..I am unable to talk..as in make a proper conversation when it matters. :|

Now where did I start? Oh yes, growing up...like my favourite lines, growing up happens in a heartbeat, one day you are in diapers and the next day you are gone. But the memories stay, if it's worth staying though. :|
Slowly I am losing one by one...personal life is a mess, and all the people I ever thought of caring about, are finding people to care about themselves. :P
Tragically funny.
What would I do going back?
What am i doing here?
Oh I know..I am typing to glory.
Need to get my sleep.
Sunday mornings..love them. :|

found and lost

Once upon a time, I used to think that I could pen things down, thoughts deep down that cannot be expressed to people. Thoughts that has no meaning. Thoughts that can only exist in a mind lost beyond comprehension and cherishing it.

Sometimes I feel like writing a few lines in this space..But then I read all the nicer creations all around and it makes me feel the need to avoid writing.

I was not this peculiar person always, or well, may be I was odd a little. But not a maniac for being lost, if i make any sense with that sentence. To any practical person, I cannot possibly be someone who is struggling. No one can even imagine what I feel like or how. And at 27, I feel like I have succeeded in one thing, hiding myself. The only real achievement. No one knows me. And also, none have any reason for that either! :D

The world is so over crowded with people, that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. And the next moment loneliness creeps in. When you know you are alone even while pandal hopping with 10000 people in your city, then you have grown up, or have started getting old...pick one!

It's been long I could sum up courage enough to write down some garbage again! Even blogs need to be fed, that's what I felt. It's been a habit for me to start writing when I don't have much to say and keep from it when I feel like sharing. Good in a way..helps to forget things. Helps, really...

Been an interesting year so far. Away from home, an experience I never thought I can have. And though I am not sure I like it much (being a naturally lazy person!) , I don 't feel that bad, as it creates an illusion, gives a fake purpose, enriches eyes and also passes time. I used to think, how can one wait for so long for....now I know....I also need to wait. Though it's not the best of feelings and it just might break the rest of me in doing so....since time doesn't wait for anyone...but I must wait. I have got nothing better to do at this juncture of my life.

p.s.: please don't mind the poor language. I am loosing it, and this is just a small example of the same. I will perhaps pen down a few more times before..

about nothing

Here I go again. For nothing.

This post officially has no meaning, purpose or reason to it. But no, wait, I do have a reason, I want to pass time and not by trying desperately to prove to myself that I am busy doing something important which is hardly ever the case. There are things, about me, my choices and my self, as in persona that is hardly known to most. The few who does know are either too close or too far away for myself to be uncomfortable about it! Secrets? One can say that, but are not so real or active things for them to be honored with that designation.

Now that I have raised a few eyebrows, let me change the topic. When I left the city most of us love for no good reason, I brought with myself 2 things. One, is a couple of books (I am yet to read any), and 'chhatu' (70% of it is still to be having the trip to my stomach)! Why am I mentioning that here? Because it's almost time. To go back to a place, close to home (not home exactly for me..he he). And among those 2 things, i have hardly utilized any! So much for my well thought out plans! This was a very small but significant example of how messy things have become these days.Growing up they say, but as old as I am now, I am not supposed to be growing up once more all over again. We all want to remain in our cages. But we do have to...to go out. To try to live. In spite of the fact that we do or do not like the cage.

Trying, may not be with my best due to lack of interest and curiosity. But as a struggle, to survive.

random keyboard strokes

(Coherence is not to be expected from this post as I am far from being one at this present time and I am out of practise as well.)

There is one thing that always gets me, that is the question: "Why". I guess everyone has their share of this question in a lifetime. Honestly speaking I am neither old or wise enough to contemplate on spirituality. But I guess for this question, age or experience is no bar. I remember asking my mother, why do I have to study? Why can't I just only read story books and comics! (I was 9-10 years old then, don't frown at comics :|). But I guess the answer was difficult for her as predicting future is not one of the gifts that we humans have. Or else she could have told me that if you have to see New York for free, then shut up and read those books that the west Bengal board is throwing at you! A very dumb and materialistic reason for such a sacrifice I admit. But, what the hell..I am glad to be here.

Now that I have this (mis)conception for myself to think over. Back then I would have jumped with joy at the prospect of savouring the beauty of the Big Apple twice from the Empire state building. Hell I even had a plan to jump from it without parachute to test how long does it take to come down and to check If I would feel anything! (pardon my frustrated self). But I guess I am not 10 anymore. Demands and expectations of life is something that is very confusing at times. I am not exactly happy. I tell you.

Why?

The same question haunting me.over and over again. Why o why do I love or hate this place. No reason except the fact that I am so far away from home. But then again I don't visit home that frequently either. Then? It would sound very stupid if I say that I am worried because I will turn thirty soon! But heck, that's good 3 year and 2 months away! Then? The answer to this question is the thing that scares me the most. "I don't know". Sometimes I feel that I am okay, happy. This is all that I wanted. But sometimes i feel numb. sad. I guess I am mentally challenged.

Purpose. Can someone guide me so I know what am I supposed to do? I know I am old enough to know all this. To know where I am headed. Actually, I know that. But what I don't know is if that is what I want. If not, then what exactly do I want.

I am certain this is going to have some kind of award for being the most confusing post of today.

I even forgot the reason I wanted to write it in the first place. With so many random things to distract one from the reality that his mind wants to believe in. It's not very easy to concentrate.

I thought once, that I need to get away. From a place that I know. Now, after good 4 months. I am exactly where I was, distance has hardly helped me to forget reality. I guess time never stops for anyone. But.....nah,,I could go on forever. For now I should stop. I think way too much for penning down my true thoughts. They get curbed that way. What a pity.

(ah..please don't judge me or my understanding from this post. It's not even what I wanted to write. It just is.)

A new year, another new year. With only one difference. I thought I can manage it. Manage being so many thousand miles away from home. Convinced myself that 400 is as much as a few thousand. but its not. One always has to pay the price for his decisions. As for me, I like to live in a make believe world. So much so that I almost don't remember anything, all the details of my day to day life. i chose to forget. Initially it was tough. But i guess I have always been good at forgetting things. It helped.

The question is why am I here? Why do I have to tolerate what I am not sure I actually hate. I am here because I needed to. Because I had no other choice but to escape from myself. And to try to be better. Not sure how though. And yes, to break some myths that I have, about life. 

Do I sound confused? you bet i am. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.

p.s. Please ignore the number of I's in the last few sentences. How can I help it? I am becoming self-obsessed! (there goes another two..sigh.. :|)

poor man's prose

For someone so conscious about himself being ordinary, i found out myself being extra-ordinary at that!! How? well...who cares! this is not a diary is it?
Wanted to write so many things, thought I would pour my heart out. But the I guess having a real bad writer's block. Or may be the day to night conversion is killing me. I never knew people can be so irritatingly polite! Incoherrent un-related comments leads to what conclusion? Madness? May be the awe, the work or simply the cold!!
For the first time in my life ice surrounds me. As it is ruining my 2.5K shoe, i can only curse my judgemnt on leather for this though! :
Scrible scribble, its almost dinner time and the menu being maggi and chirebhaja! Bow to you O Lazy fellow! good night.

reality

What do you do when practically everything around you seems to fall apart, but in a strangers eyes all is better than well? You soul search for the reason and you yourself can't come up with anything substantial enough to work on. Tiny bits and pieces scattered, that together make you miserable. May be that is a part of growing up.
There was an episode in the popular sitcom 'Friends', where everybody all 6 of them is scared for turning 30. I was 22 then. And I was laughing. I don't do it now. Even though it’s a good few years away still. The other day a very good friend of mine asked me a question, a tough one. She asked me what I have accomplished in the past 3 years of my working life. I had no answer. I did nothing. Just worked. Made a few friends, lived in a cheap crabby rented room. Saw a hundred movies or so on my old 14inch monitor. And that’s about it. I guess I am too lazy (or scared?) to ultimately do anything about this divine realization, but well, is it a sign that I am lost?

Just today found out that a good friend of mine is getting married. I should be happy right? I am trying to. But I am not. Do I have a crush on her? Yes. Am I good enough? No. Then what’s the problem? I don't know. That’s why I am confused. Rather that is, these are, a very few of the many reasons I feel lost.

After my boat sank, It had been a tough ride the last 7 months or so. Though, I hate to admit that. I disguised it well enough from myself even. Sometimes when I am alone, life reminds me that it is there, inside me, haunting me.

Why am I scribbling about these? Because these are things I am incapable of sharing with any person I know. That is my limitation and another reason as well! Of? Of the breaking of the broken heart.

Need to leave this place. Need to get away from it all. Need to avoid thoughts.

Wish life was simpler.

In a breakthrough empty thought process, I found out that each time I drink, be it in pleasure or pain, I end up doing/saying something so stupid on the phone to people I care for that makes me suffer all the time. Thus each time hurting them and in turn myself. It's been 2 years and I have still not learned the simplest thing, to switch the freaking mobile off once I reach my place after the enjoying (?) alcoholic beverages.
I am a very emotional creature, but those emotions lay deep within my conscious self. That is, I try to keep them buried there so that they don't cause any harm to the surroundings.
But somehow alcohol, however small in quantity has this uncanny capacity to bring out in a few minutes what took me all my adulthood to suppress (I am not talking of desires perverts. :P).
I almost lost and have lost so many things in my few years of existence due to this stuff, that people can call me a drunkard unless they know me better.
Made my life's most grave mistakes when I drunk. And surprisingly, it did not take me more than drinking once in a month to achieve all that!
I have shamed myself to a dear friend of mine whom I care deeply for, to have said some things I probably never should have. A promise to myself, I will try to keep my cell switched off after any such future events to minimize my stupidity.